What Do I Live For Now?

After a loved one passes, you feel stuck. Whether you are stuck in the moment, period, or what can seem like a lifetime and feel hopeless as  if nothing is going to progress or change. It is hard to take that one step forward in fear that you are eventually going to take two steps back. It is easy for us to accept this and to settle by living in this mode: it is comfortable. It is easier than fighting to move forward and to fight through the heart ache. But why do we do this? How can we survivors push forward to get us of this rut?

I can now shamelessly admit that I was in a rut for two years after the suicide of my brother. I was content with living this way and had little desire to push forward with my life. I was living a life that not only would my parents would be ashamed of, but I was ashamed of deep inside of me. But I was okay with being content and living a life that was shame worthy, because it was simply easier.

How do you move on with your life without letting go of your loved one? I grew a backbone and told myself that I cannot go on this way. I had to go through the pain and suffering and be submissive to it until I was so incredibly sick and tired of it. I had to learn on my own by making mistakes and burning myself until I told myself not to accept this mediocracy and to get out of this rut.

My mom always told me, “Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.” I found this to be beyond incredibly true and I took it to heart. I was the only inflicting pain on myself. I was allowing myself to live this shameless and painstaking lifestyle that I knew was so below me. Unfortunately, sometimes we can only learn and move forward by recognizing our mistakes. I had to toughen up and tell myself that I deserve better and most importantly I want better for me, and so do my loved ones. My brother did not want me to live this way and I knew that he was disappointed in me.

We are the survivors that inspire the hopeless to rediscover hope. We show them that it is possible and very much so doable. If you cannot rediscover hope for yourself, do it for those around you. Give it a try, you may surprise yourself.



Copy-Cat Suicide

Here is a really tough question but I challenge you to really think about it:

Is it better to give all of the brutal and horrific suicide details in a book or movie to raise awareness of how real and honestly painful suicide can be or, rather, is it just best to exclude those details in fear that one may copy that fatal action?

I have found myself going back and forth on this question when I was recently faced with it when trying to decide what is more appropriate for a self-help book. When trying rationalizing them, I think about what is best for someone who is in a suicidal state of mind. A suicidal person is very fragile, unpredictable, and most of the time- we cant even identify someone who is suicidal by just observing or looking at them!

On one side, decrribing all the horrific and graphic details of the act of suicide, may scare one away from the action due to the fear of pain or suffering. This is my true hope, that it does scare a suicidal person from doing the act. Part of me also thinks that by knowing the realness of the act, they may truly realize the permanency of it as well. I want them to fully understand the actually of the consequences of this action that death is permanent and it is not just something you can undo once you regret it.

In opposition, it would pain myself if a reader gathered ideas from the book on how to commit this action. For many reasons, copy-cat suicides are more often then we think. Some of them are prompted due to the “praise” or “recognition” previously people received after their death by suicide because they want to experience that and feel missed and treasured.  But unfortunately, the drastic measures for this feeling is painstaking and heartbreaking to hear.

I did make my decision after taking 24 hours to digest the options and made my decision of what to do: keeping the details with the known risk or exempting them for safe measures?


What would you do? What is your opinion on this matter? It is unfortunately too complex to only have one answer.

Coming into the New Year of Grief

There are many new goals or resolutions that people set coming into the New Year; weight loss, career goals, or goals within relationships. But what is your grief goal?

I know it sounds ridiculous, like “why the heck do I need a goal for grieving?” Like it is a good thing to associate a goal with. But like all areas of our lives, grief deserves attention and goals too.

These goals can be made positive and uplifting, rather than depressing and heavy. These goals are meant to allow you to grow and to grow with your new relationship with your passed loved one. I know this is a weird concept of a relationship with someone- because they are gone from this earth. But you can still maintain a relationship with them.

In order to maintain this relationship in a healthy way, create a goal that can exemplify your weaknesses in this relationship. For instance, my goal is to think healthy and happy thoughts of my brother throughout the day and to talk about him more, because I have let my shyness and shame get in the way of my relationship with him and even others. I need to not be ashamed of my brother’s death and be able to speak of it, as a painful yet important, part of my life.

In these upcoming days, think of your goals, and what can assist in your grieving. It can be as simple as sending up a prayer every day or a daily reminder of your loved one by just looking at a picture of them.

It is easy for us to fall into a pattern of forgetfulness by forgetting our loved ones- and it is not our fault. We get caught up in our lives and careers to where we get worn down and grief gets pushed aside. Be selfish in the way that you put your grief first.

Here is to another blessed and amazing year. Thank you all for all the love. xox


Suicide VS Society

For those of you who have experienced a loss by suicide or have known someone who has attempted suicide, aren’t you tired of hearing that they are crazy? Or insane? Or depressed?

I know that there are many cases of suicide where there was a existing diagnosis of depression or insanity, but not everyone who attempts/completes suicide is crazy.

We, as humans, have pain. Its inevitable. We are bound to be hurt from a heartbreak, loss ,or divorce. Life is not black and white, theres such much gray, that humans usually live in.

We all react to pain in different ways. Some cry until there are no more tears left and others sit in silence until their ready to break it. Does this make one stronger than the other? Is holding in pain versus expressing it a model of what is considered strong or weak? This stigma that we have about pain is not okay. We are all unique and individual human beings who express pain in their own way: there is no right or wrong way to express pain, but there are more effective ways.

That being said, suicide does not make someone crazy. Some people cannot relate to the amount of pain and anguish one can go throw after a tragedy, therefore they just go call them crazy or unstable. Hopelessness also does not make them weak, it makes them human. Of course, I would never say that self harm or suicide is an effective way to deal with pain, but it does not make them crazy. We all lose hope at some point. Hope would not exist if it was always there, it would just be life. You have to lose hope in order to regain it or possess it.

By categorizing suicide under the “crazy” umbrella of mental illness, it gives a stereotype for those who are in unbearable pain. Not everyone who is suicidal is diagnosed as depressed or bipolar, sometimes people just have bad days where there is no end in sight and they handle it in the worst way possible by attempting to harm themselves. Not everyone who is suicidal slits their wrists and wears black clothing to school or work every day, the way that the media and society makes us think happens.

There are premeditated and impulsive suicides. Studies show that most most suicides are in fact impulsive and not premeditated. This means that people are not thinking before their actions. They are not thinking about loved ones they are leaving behind and the pain they will cause them, but they are buried in pain and cannot get out. If all suicidal people were crazy or depressed, they would be getting treated for their pain. Most suicidal people are not diagnosed with any mental illnesses. If suicidal people were crazy, then call us all crazy because we all have our own kinds of pain.

Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. You can get through suffering without ending your life. Our society is impulsive like these suicides. We speak without thinking when we label people are crazy. We call healthy people “retards” when they are acting silly or call something “gay” when we disapprove of it. There is so much insensitivity and hypocrisy with what is and what is not acceptable in this society. Calling someone “crazy” or “mentally ill” for being in excruciating pain and heartache, now to me, that is crazy. That is just being human. Our society is impulsive like these suicides and numbed by the pain.

I am back!

I am sorry for not staying updated with my blog, college and just life seems to get in the way!

As a college student, I am constantly meeting new people everywhere I go. This is a good thing right?

Yes and No, is the answer in the eyes of someone who is grieving.

You see, when you meet someone new or try to get to know a little more about them, they ask the basics of: “where are you from?” “do you have any pets?”

And lastly, “do you have any siblings?” or any other questions relating to your family.

I usually immediately feel as if the room is 1,000 degrees hotter and that I am losing my voice when this question arises. I used to lie like a rug when someone asked me this, just to avoid the whole awkward conversation of “I am sorry your brother is dead” or “How did he die?” I would just say that I am an only child, or that he did die but from an accident and not suicide. But now, I have learned to not be ashamed of not only my brother, but my pain.

This pain that lead to strength that eventually lead to growth is part of not only my past, but my present and future. This is who I am. Yes, of course I wish I could take away my brother’s death and make it to where it never even happened and live a relatively pain-free life. Who doesn’t want that? But life does not work that way. And when life gives you lemons, make something better with it and make lemonade. I know its cheesy and cliche, but it is what I did.

So, I stopped the lying and diverting of the questions. I tell them that he died and tell them that yes, he did in fact kill himself. But I never leave out the fact that I love him and think about him every second of every day, in order to save his honor and memory from their judgements.

This is one more way to heal the pain. Because when you lie to others, you lie to yourself, and there is never any good that comes from that. Be strong and certain in who you are, even the yucky parts that you want to hide from the world. Sometimes those yucky parts, can make a difference to someone else as well and make them not as scared to show their yucky parts to you.