What Do I Live For Now?

After a loved one passes, you feel stuck. Whether you are stuck in the moment, period, or what can seem like a lifetime and feel hopeless as  if nothing is going to progress or change. It is hard to take that one step forward in fear that you are eventually going to take two steps back. It is easy for us to accept this and to settle by living in this mode: it is comfortable. It is easier than fighting to move forward and to fight through the heart ache. But why do we do this? How can we survivors push forward to get us of this rut?

I can now shamelessly admit that I was in a rut for two years after the suicide of my brother. I was content with living this way and had little desire to push forward with my life. I was living a life that not only would my parents would be ashamed of, but I was ashamed of deep inside of me. But I was okay with being content and living a life that was shame worthy, because it was simply easier.

How do you move on with your life without letting go of your loved one? I grew a backbone and told myself that I cannot go on this way. I had to go through the pain and suffering and be submissive to it until I was so incredibly sick and tired of it. I had to learn on my own by making mistakes and burning myself until I told myself not to accept this mediocracy and to get out of this rut.

My mom always told me, “Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.” I found this to be beyond incredibly true and I took it to heart. I was the only inflicting pain on myself. I was allowing myself to live this shameless and painstaking lifestyle that I knew was so below me. Unfortunately, sometimes we can only learn and move forward by recognizing our mistakes. I had to toughen up and tell myself that I deserve better and most importantly I want better for me, and so do my loved ones. My brother did not want me to live this way and I knew that he was disappointed in me.

We are the survivors that inspire the hopeless to rediscover hope. We show them that it is possible and very much so doable. If you cannot rediscover hope for yourself, do it for those around you. Give it a try, you may surprise yourself.



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