I am back!

I am sorry for not staying updated with my blog, college and just life seems to get in the way!

As a college student, I am constantly meeting new people everywhere I go. This is a good thing right?

Yes and No, is the answer in the eyes of someone who is grieving.

You see, when you meet someone new or try to get to know a little more about them, they ask the basics of: “where are you from?” “do you have any pets?”

And lastly, “do you have any siblings?” or any other questions relating to your family.

I usually immediately feel as if the room is 1,000 degrees hotter and that I am losing my voice when this question arises. I used to lie like a rug when someone asked me this, just to avoid the whole awkward conversation of “I am sorry your brother is dead” or “How did he die?” I would just say that I am an only child, or that he did die but from an accident and not suicide. But now, I have learned to not be ashamed of not only my brother, but my pain.

This pain that lead to strength that eventually lead to growth is part of not only my past, but my present and future. This is who I am. Yes, of course I wish I could take away my brother’s death and make it to where it never even happened and live a relatively pain-free life. Who doesn’t want that? But life does not work that way. And when life gives you lemons, make something better with it and make lemonade. I know its cheesy and cliche, but it is what I did.

So, I stopped the lying and diverting of the questions. I tell them that he died and tell them that yes, he did in fact kill himself. But I never leave out the fact that I love him and think about him every second of every day, in order to save his honor and memory from their judgements.

This is one more way to heal the pain. Because when you lie to others, you lie to yourself, and there is never any good that comes from that. Be strong and certain in who you are, even the yucky parts that you want to hide from the world. Sometimes those yucky parts, can make a difference to someone else as well and make them not as scared to show their yucky parts to you.

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